Happy Birthday to Me! Three Years Sober!!

I can hardly believe I haven't had a single drop of wine in three years!!  My life has done a complete 180.  Of course, now I'm married and have a daughter which is a huge change in and of itself but even before my daughter was born, sobriety had completely changed my life.  After I quit drinking, I enjoyed waking up in the morning and actually feeling good.  I wasn't getting chronically sick and didn't have to mentally beat the crap out of myself every morning for doing again what I had promised myself I wouldn't do.  Whole portions of my week became a blur or disappeared from my memory completely.  For example, a friend would call to say she'd just bought tickets to "the show".  Not having a clue what she was referring to, I'd ask subtle questions trying to piece it together.  Apparently I had agreed to attend some event when I was drunk but had blacked out and had no recollection of the conversation.  I had to check my cell phone's call log in the mornings to see who I had "drunk dialed/text" and therefore how late I'd been out and where or with whom.  Friends were becoming angry at me for being unreliable.

So now I'm reliable, stable ...and boring.  I would never mention this at an AA meeting but there have been, for me, some negative aspects of becoming sober.  Let me first emphasise that I don't want to in any way imply that I regret becoming sober or discourage anyone from becoming sober.  Sobriety IS the right choice if you're an addict.  It's the only choice for survival. 

As one who suffered with depression since childhood, I was never confident being around other people, in fact I didn't really want to be around people.  I also have many anxiety issues and a tendency toward agoraphobia that I acquired in early adulthood.  This combination leads to a somewhat solitary life with very few, but good, friends, people I can really trust and have known for a long time.  Many of my friends were big drinkers of course, being that I spent a good deal of time in bars.  I don't go to bars anymore and on the rare occasion that I do with my husband, I can tell my old friends feel awkward around me.  After all, I don't act like the same person they knew and they just don't know how to relate to me anymore.  I was a fun drunk.  I danced, sang and told everyone I loved them.  I endeared myself to a lot of people and was everyone's best friend.  The sober me is almost the complete opposite.  I walk with headphones on so I won't have to talk to anyone and when I'm somehow cornered into having a conversation, it's very uncomfortable unless I know the person really well.

As an unfortunate result of sobriety, I have become very lonely.  My job and home situation only exacerbate this feeling.  I manage a small hotel which is also where I live.  This allows me to take care of my one year old daughter which is a mixed blessing.  On the positive side, I'm able to raise my daughter myself and not have to pay for childcare.  The troubling side is that all of my "worlds" are blended together.  I can be bathing my daughter when the phone or doorbell rings.  I can't leave her alone in the tub so I have to ignore it.  On the other hand, I may be on the phone taking a reservation while my daughter is screaming in the background, which isn't very professional sounding to the person on the other end of the line.  Then there's the housework.  My husband seems to think that since I'm "home" all day I should be responsible for doing the laundry and cleaning the house.  He doesn't seem to get the fact that I'm doing two other jobs at the same time as well.  Anyone who doesn't think childcare is a full time job has never tried it.

I sit here in my apartment day after day just me and my daughter, leaving occasionally to check our mailbox or pick-up something at the market.  If I'm lucky, my husband is home and I can go out alone.  If he isn't home, I have to be feeling well enough to carry my daughter and her stroller down two flights of stairs, then walk to the post office or anywhere else I want to go.   Of course while I'm at "home" I'm answering the hotel phone, checking people in and out, dealing with the housekeepers, compiling the monthly financial and occupancy records, ordering supplies and dealing with any other catastrophe that may arise.  For example, last week our hot-water heater sprung a very large leak and needed to be replaced.  I had to beg a mainland plumber to come over to fix it.  He finally agreed and had a new hot water heater put on a barge that was headed to the island.  (We do have plumbers on the island but they're usually so busy they don't even return your calls.) 

The best friend I had on the island moved to the mainland and doesn't come over very often so basically I have no friends here.  One of my good friends was (and has been) trying to get sober for years but keeps going back out ("falling off the wagon" for those non-alcoholics). I couldn't hang out with her anymore because I never knew if she was sober or not and I couldn't handle the back and forth of it.  Basically the only social life I have is the occasional AA meeting.

So, for me, there are definitely some negatives to becoming sober, but I don't regret it for one second.  I had to do it.  Mine is a unique situation that leaves me lonely and overwhelmed at the same time, but also happy to be able to spend so much time with my daughter.

Anyway - HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

Good Days and Bad Days

Fortunately, I can classify the last few days as "good days" relatively speaking of course.  I was actually able to take a walk this morning and at a somewhat normal human pace.  Now that it's evening, I'm getting the sore throat, shortness of breath thing, but no pain.  Pain isn't actually my primary complaint.  I do have pain a lot of the time all over my body but it's more like an ache.  Sometimes pain shoots through my extremities but it's never as severe as I've heard other fibro sufferers report.  My main problem is fatigue and shortness of breath.  When I'm in the midst of a flare, I can't do anything.  I can barely get up and make myself something to eat (like a sandwich even) before I'm getting light headed, starting to sweat, becoming short of breath and feeling as though my legs are just going to give out.  Walking up stairs has become a horrible experience.  My leg muscles feel so weak, I have to summon all my strength to lift them up each stair.  Unfortunately I have to ascend one and a half flights of stairs just to get to my front door.  Once I do get in the door, I'm spent.

I've been trying to eat really well.  I've been eating lots of raw fruits and veggies and cutting out as much sugar as possible.  Cutting out sugar (and other "bad" foods) is very hard for me because I have hardly any self-control.  I think I may actually have a bit of an eating disorder.  If there's a box of cookies in my kitchen, I've been known to eat the whole thing in one sitting.  I absolutely can't help myself, which is why I have very little food in my house.  I only buy what I'll need for the day or next couple of days.  I used to binge when I was a kid.  Before my mom was home from work, once I actually ate an entire box of brown sugar because there was nothing else around.  Fortunately I had a really good metabolism and stayed skinny as a rail (I wish I could still say that ).  I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I have a problem with food, being that I'm a recovering alcoholic.  I'm obviously an addict in other aspects of my life as well.  In two days I will have been sober for three years!  I can't believe it.  I never thought I could go this long without a drink.  Of course now I have a daughter which is a whole new motivation.

Wow, I really digressed from my original topic.  Anyway, I'll try to keep eating well and exercising in moderation, when I can, and hope it makes a difference. 

Now that I'm finishing this post, I'm starting to get achy and my hands are hurting, which means I should go to bed (even though it's only 9pm). Oh well, you have to take the good days, or even hours, when you can.   It sounds cliche, but that's something I learned in AA and you can apply to  your whole life.

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

No Bitching This Time...I Swear

I know my last post was pretty pathetic.  To be honest I felt pretty pathetic.  Still do. 

Anyway, I found out that laying in the sun is almost as therapeutic as a hot bath.  I don't have a bath tub so I've had to rely on hot showers to relieve muscle and joint pain, which really isn't the same.  Yesterday we went for a walk with our daughter in her stroller.  My husband had to pick up his paycheck and I didn't feel well enough to walk the distance.  Since it was a beautiful day I decided to sit down by the water with our daughter.  I laid down on a bench in the sun.  Almost immediately, the pain in my joints started to fade.   It had a similar effect as sitting in a hot bath. I almost fell asleep it was so calming.  I'm lucky that it's sunny most of the time here.  I think even laying on the floor or sitting in a chair at a window in direct sunlight may have a similar, if not as intense, an effect.  I just thought I'd pass that along to other Fibromyalgia sufferers out there.  I don't know about all of you but any small thing that can relieve the pain and discomfort even temporarily is a blessing.  I'll have to experiment to see if it has any lasting effects (I mean in the way of hours or even an hour).

Sick and Tired

I feel horrible today.  I almost feel as bad as I did at the start of this hellish journey.  I've been faithfully taking my meds.  I don't understand why I feel this way.  It even hurts to type.  I'm so discouraged.  We were supposed to take a walk for lunch at one of our favorite restaurants but I wasn't able to.  I felt short of breath and my legs just couldn't move very much.  I'm also having these weird heart flutters again.

Well, I guess that's enough bitching.  I went to an AA  meeting last night and it was really great!  One of my good friends who I hadn't seen in a long time was there too.  There was someone at the meeting who was celebrating 60 days of sobriety.  The topic of discussion was the second step.  I have often had a hard time with since I consider myself agnostic.  She shared her difficulty with finding or believing in a higher power, God.  I then shared the way in which I deal with the second step.  I hope she found it  helpful.

My daughter is desperately trying to grab my laptop and press all the buttons.  For some reason she has a lot of energy this evening.  I wish I had just some of that.

Another Fibro Day

OK - it's back.  About 5:00 today the aching started again. Then I felt the almost irresistible urge to close my eyes.  I laid down and closed my eyes but baby girl was making too much racket with her toys.  I drifted in and out of sleep for about a half hour.  I then, maybe foolishly, took my daughter on a stroll to visit her dad down at the pier.  Getting back up the stairs with her was excruciating.  My knees were killing me. 

I really need to learn that when I start feeling bad I have to rest.  I'm trying to get back in shape but it seems like the day after I exercise I feel weaker instead of stronger.  It's counter-intuitive to be sedentary when I'm trying to recover.  Exercise is supposed to be a good thing - to make you stronger and healthier - not weaker and sicker.

Tomorrow, I think I'll go to an AA meeting.  It's  basically the only social life I have.  How friggin' pathetic.  I'm stuck in this apartment with only the baby day after day.  I feel so trapped. The hotel is so quiet this time of year, the phone hardly ever rings.  I guess I should try to go to sleep since the baby is sleeping.  Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow if I get enough sleep.  I noticed that how much I sleep is directly related to how I feel.

Good Day

Today was great.  I got to leave the island without the baby and meet up with a couple of my friends. We did girl stuff like try on clothes and makeup at the mall.  I was so happy that I was actually feeling well enough to take the boat ride then walk all over the mall.  I did have to excuse myself a couple times to go sit on a bench or something when the fatigue set in, but all in all the Fibro didn't keep me from doing what I wanted today.  It was a real victory.

I always took my health and physical fitness for  granted - never again.  I guess that's one advantage to this illness.  A little humility never hurts anyone.  Getting knocked down a few pegs every once in a while can be just what we arrogant humans need.

 I'm so glad that this particular "flare" lasted only one day.  I'm hoping that I will be able to start exercising again so I can loose this 25 pound baby weight.  It was pretty depressing to go shopping and have nothing fit or look decent.  I used to be thin and in good shape.  I know I'll get there again but I have found that exercise has to be increased very slowly and carefully.  Too much exertion in one day leads to a flare.  It's a very delicate balance.

On an unrelated note, my husband and I made up yesterday.  He apologized and promised to try harder.  That's all I can ask for.

Bad Night

Not long after my last posting, chaos broke out in my household.  My husband and I were bickering as as usual, when the argument escalated to a whole new level.  I was crying of course (my normal reflexive posture).  Our conversation entered the terrifying realm of divorce.  We've both been so unhappy, since I got pregnant really.  I won't go into the boring details but the outcome was him leaving to spend the night on his boat.  Being 37 years old, and divorced once, I've had my share of relationships fail.  But this is the first time there was a vulnerable, precious child. A completely faultless victim. I cried all night thinking, "What have I done?!  I've brought this beautiful child  into the world and already I'm not sure if I can give her a stable, loving family as I had".  There were tears in my husbands eyes (which I have never seen) when he kissed our daughter goodnight and walked out the door.  He said "We have to work this out.  We can't do this to her".

I know the arguing is exacerbating my fibro.  I know that's why I started feeling bad.  I feel completely drained of energy and life.

To Continue From Where I Left Off...

So, my pregnancy was pretty normal until about the 4th month.  Then the overwhelming fatigue set in.  And it REALLY set in.  I barely had enough strength to stand in the shower.  Lifting my hands to wash my hair was excruciatingly difficult - as though I were lifting a ten pound weight or something.  I laid on the couch all day every day falling in and out of sleep.  It kept on this way until I finally decided to see my Dr.  Something was really wrong.  I had to take a cab to the clinic (normally an easy walk) because I was so weak.  My Dr. did all kinds of blood tests and of course everything came back within normal ranges.  My Dr. said "it must be a pregnancy thing".  She told me to make sure to take my vitamins and to get enough protein (I'm a vegetarian). 

Anyway, about 3 weeks after having my daughter, I started to feel the flu symptoms again although this time it was very different.  One evening my whole body began to ache much more severely than it had before.  I started to sweat and I felt sick.  I can't describe the symptoms exactly - just sick.  I felt like I had to lay down or I would pass out.  I felt as though I had a high fever but each time I took my temperature it was normal.  The episode went away after a couple days but returned 6 months later and has never left.

I went back to my Dr. and she did a battery of "exotic" (& expensive) blood tests.  My ANA came back positive so we started exploring the many auto-immune diseases that exist.  More blood tests.  This time my ANA came back negative so my Dr. decided I didn't have an auto-immune disease after all.  All the blood test results came back within normal ranges again.  I was so frustrated because I really wanted to know what was wrong with me.  She put me on high levels of steroids for a couple weeks, which seemed to help, but was not a long-term solution.  My Dr. called a Rheumatologist she knew (I couldn't afford the consult fee at any specialist).  He told her to double the anti-depressants I was already on for depression.  I am now taking 400mg Welbutrin, 200mg Zoloft, 5-10mg Cyclobenzaprine and 2mg Lorazepam every day.  I wasn't back to my normal energy levels by any means but it was really helping for a while (about a month).  Until yesterday I thought I was on the mend.  I guess not.

First Ever Blog Post!

Hello.  As you can see from the title, this is my first blog post so forgive me if I'm not savvy to all the "rules".

I'm "spilling my guts" here is because I want this blog to be as open and honest as possible.  My hope is that others will get some comfort from knowing that someone else out there is going through the same (or similar) thing.  I don't plan on sharing this with anyone close to me (family/friends).  I just want this to be between me and others suffering similarly in life (and everyone else who is interested).

Today I was feeling so bad that I had to vent my frustration somewhere.  It came to me that a blog would be a great way to share my experiences and for others to share theirs.  I was recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.  I don't know, but I think this must be one of the most frustrating diseases to have.  So little is known about it and the symptom lists are so long that it seems like anyone could have it.  I can see how it could be very confusing to someone who doesn't suffer with it.  It's confusing to me and I do suffer from it.

Sometime in my early 20s I started having strange episodes.  My body would start aching and I would feel chills alternating with sweats as though I had the flu.  The symptoms were mild however and mysteriously passed in less than a day.  I was always a bit curious as to what caused it but since it didn't really disrupt my life I basically ignored it. 

In June 2009 my husband and I were married.  We did the Vegas "thing".  We got hitched at the famous Little White Chapel.  It was a trip.  About two weeks later I found out that I was pregnant.  I'd never thought of myself as the motherly type, but I do have a lot of love to give and knew that somehow this would be enough.  My family was thrilled!  It would be the first grandchild in our whole family (we're not very prolific).