Happy Birthday to Me! Three Years Sober!!

I can hardly believe I haven't had a single drop of wine in three years!!  My life has done a complete 180.  Of course, now I'm married and have a daughter which is a huge change in and of itself but even before my daughter was born, sobriety had completely changed my life.  After I quit drinking, I enjoyed waking up in the morning and actually feeling good.  I wasn't getting chronically sick and didn't have to mentally beat the crap out of myself every morning for doing again what I had promised myself I wouldn't do.  Whole portions of my week became a blur or disappeared from my memory completely.  For example, a friend would call to say she'd just bought tickets to "the show".  Not having a clue what she was referring to, I'd ask subtle questions trying to piece it together.  Apparently I had agreed to attend some event when I was drunk but had blacked out and had no recollection of the conversation.  I had to check my cell phone's call log in the mornings to see who I had "drunk dialed/text" and therefore how late I'd been out and where or with whom.  Friends were becoming angry at me for being unreliable.

So now I'm reliable, stable ...and boring.  I would never mention this at an AA meeting but there have been, for me, some negative aspects of becoming sober.  Let me first emphasise that I don't want to in any way imply that I regret becoming sober or discourage anyone from becoming sober.  Sobriety IS the right choice if you're an addict.  It's the only choice for survival. 

As one who suffered with depression since childhood, I was never confident being around other people, in fact I didn't really want to be around people.  I also have many anxiety issues and a tendency toward agoraphobia that I acquired in early adulthood.  This combination leads to a somewhat solitary life with very few, but good, friends, people I can really trust and have known for a long time.  Many of my friends were big drinkers of course, being that I spent a good deal of time in bars.  I don't go to bars anymore and on the rare occasion that I do with my husband, I can tell my old friends feel awkward around me.  After all, I don't act like the same person they knew and they just don't know how to relate to me anymore.  I was a fun drunk.  I danced, sang and told everyone I loved them.  I endeared myself to a lot of people and was everyone's best friend.  The sober me is almost the complete opposite.  I walk with headphones on so I won't have to talk to anyone and when I'm somehow cornered into having a conversation, it's very uncomfortable unless I know the person really well.

As an unfortunate result of sobriety, I have become very lonely.  My job and home situation only exacerbate this feeling.  I manage a small hotel which is also where I live.  This allows me to take care of my one year old daughter which is a mixed blessing.  On the positive side, I'm able to raise my daughter myself and not have to pay for childcare.  The troubling side is that all of my "worlds" are blended together.  I can be bathing my daughter when the phone or doorbell rings.  I can't leave her alone in the tub so I have to ignore it.  On the other hand, I may be on the phone taking a reservation while my daughter is screaming in the background, which isn't very professional sounding to the person on the other end of the line.  Then there's the housework.  My husband seems to think that since I'm "home" all day I should be responsible for doing the laundry and cleaning the house.  He doesn't seem to get the fact that I'm doing two other jobs at the same time as well.  Anyone who doesn't think childcare is a full time job has never tried it.

I sit here in my apartment day after day just me and my daughter, leaving occasionally to check our mailbox or pick-up something at the market.  If I'm lucky, my husband is home and I can go out alone.  If he isn't home, I have to be feeling well enough to carry my daughter and her stroller down two flights of stairs, then walk to the post office or anywhere else I want to go.   Of course while I'm at "home" I'm answering the hotel phone, checking people in and out, dealing with the housekeepers, compiling the monthly financial and occupancy records, ordering supplies and dealing with any other catastrophe that may arise.  For example, last week our hot-water heater sprung a very large leak and needed to be replaced.  I had to beg a mainland plumber to come over to fix it.  He finally agreed and had a new hot water heater put on a barge that was headed to the island.  (We do have plumbers on the island but they're usually so busy they don't even return your calls.) 

The best friend I had on the island moved to the mainland and doesn't come over very often so basically I have no friends here.  One of my good friends was (and has been) trying to get sober for years but keeps going back out ("falling off the wagon" for those non-alcoholics). I couldn't hang out with her anymore because I never knew if she was sober or not and I couldn't handle the back and forth of it.  Basically the only social life I have is the occasional AA meeting.

So, for me, there are definitely some negatives to becoming sober, but I don't regret it for one second.  I had to do it.  Mine is a unique situation that leaves me lonely and overwhelmed at the same time, but also happy to be able to spend so much time with my daughter.

Anyway - HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!