November Rain

It's raining in Southern California and since it hasn't rained substantially in a long time, water is making its way into everything.  One leak made its way into the laundry room and shorted out an electrical outlet that almost started a fire at our small hotel.

Winter is here.  This does nothing positive for my state of mind which is true for many others as well.  Motivation for strategies I had formed (and posted endlessly about) in regards to my physical healing have all but gone.  I realize that this change in attitude is due mostly to the deep episode of depression I'm in.  I hope to address this problem as soon as I'm able to make an appointment with my doctor.  I'm realizing, reluctantly, that I won't be able to heal myself physically until I'm able to function mentally and the only way to do that I fear is by taking more medication.  I'm really discouraged by this realization though it's hardly the first time I've had it.  I told my therapist in a recent session that I had felt better physically while medicated.  I didn't feel well, but I did feel better than I do now.  I'm in almost constant pain now.  I had so wanted to be drug-free at least for a short time, to see what it was like, but it doesn't look like I'll be able to do it.  I'm so disappointed.

I've been in this cycle of meds/ no meds for so many years and I know it's something I'll struggle with for the rest of my life. I've managed to lower my Cymbalta dosage to 20mg every fourth day.   I'm feeling light-headed and experiencing a lot of "brain-zaps".  The symptoms may be diminishing but I'm not really sure.  I've been trying to titrate off this evil stuff for over a month and I'm still having withdrawal symptoms.

Plan B

The episode of extreme fatigue I wrote about in my last post has passed.  Now it's just the normal fatigue and pain I've been experiencing for the last two years. 

Two days ago, I called the owners of the hotel I manage and told them I would be taking a three month medical leave.  When one day last week I discovered that I had taken at least two reservations and had no recollection or evidence of them anywhere, I realized that my cognitive impairment was much worse that I though.  I called my good friend who used to co-manage the hotel with me a few years ago and asked him if he would like the job.  When he said he would, I called the owners and let them know what would be happening.  They were very understanding and thought I should do whatever I needed to get better.  They said they didn't want to loose me as a manager and I sincerely hope that will not be the case.

Now I don't have a job.  I'll be completely dependant on my husband financially and the thought of that makes me sick.  I have an Etsy shop where I sell my art and jewelry (www.etsy.com/shop/thorawish sorry for the shameless plug) but I don't make nearly enough to completely support myself.  I've been working on it whenever I have the energy and my sales are up so I can only hope they continue.

I've been starting to admit to myself that I may not have a normal job for some time.  I've been wracking my brain thinking of a way I can earn a living from my couch.  A friend suggested I check out SEO (search engine optimization).  There are quite a few SEO telecommuting positions available out there from what I've seen on job-search sites.  I have a BFA which won't do me much good in this field but I found an on-line certification program in Internet Marketing at UC, Irvine.  It's $550 a course and you need to take six courses, I think, to receive your certification.  I hate to get into such debt for something that may not pay off but I'm not sure what else to do.  It's really scary and depressing.  I need to be able to earn a living somehow.  It's not like I have disability insurance or anything and I'm sure I couldn't get SSDI.

Can hardly lift my arm. So scared

Still in bed. Don't have strength to lift my head from the pillow. Sorry about the fragmented sentences. Typing this on my iPhone with only one eye opened. Can type a couple words then have to close my eye and rest again. Eye lids are so heavy I can only hold them open for a minute or so, then they close.

My husband is in the other room. Must think I'm just sleeping late. I'll have to text him since I can't call out to him. I feel like I must be dying. Would be a relief from this - whatever it is that's slowly rotting my body.

As I lay here in pain and profound weakness I hear the joyful cheers of spectators outside my window as athletes in a triathlon victoriously cross the finish line. Oh my god.

Falling Further Down the Black Hole

My depression has reached a critical level. I don't give a crap anymore about trying a new diet, medication or anything for that matter. I haven't felt this low in a very long time. I physically feel terrible and there isn't much left in my life I have control over. I'm blessed to have a wonderful therapist who I've been keeping in regular contact with and who is closely monitoring my situation. I'm still taking about 10mg of Cymbalta per day and can't seem to lower he dose much more without suffering withdrawal.

I made the decision today that I will no longer be able to fulfill my responsibilities as manager here at the hotel. My cognitive impairment has gotten worse and worse. I spent quite a bit of time today on the phone apologizing to guests who apparently had made reservations but that I had no recollection of, or paper work on. I'm not used to making so many mistakes. I have often, in the past, held positions which required serious detail orientation, commitment and work ethic and are qualities I have always prided myself on. I guess those days are gone and hopefully only temporarily.

My marriage is seriously on the rocks and shows no sign of getting better. Now I'll be almost completely financially dependent on my husband and just the thought seems to choke off my air. My almost stubborn self-sufficiency is something I have also had pride in. There are some people I wouldn't mind having to depend on but my husband isn't one of them. I know he'll rub my face in it and it'll become a game of trade-offs. He pays for stuff so I'll have to do things for him in return. It's already that way to a large extent and will only get worse.

So, I'm not able to take care of my daughter, I'm not able to do my job and I'm not able to do things that need to be done to upkeep our home. What can I do? Not much.

I have yet to call the owners of the hotel to tell them I'll have to take a medical leave. That's going to be yet another humbling experience that I think I'll save for tomorrow.