Falling Further Down the Black Hole

My depression has reached a critical level. I don't give a crap anymore about trying a new diet, medication or anything for that matter. I haven't felt this low in a very long time. I physically feel terrible and there isn't much left in my life I have control over. I'm blessed to have a wonderful therapist who I've been keeping in regular contact with and who is closely monitoring my situation. I'm still taking about 10mg of Cymbalta per day and can't seem to lower he dose much more without suffering withdrawal.

I made the decision today that I will no longer be able to fulfill my responsibilities as manager here at the hotel. My cognitive impairment has gotten worse and worse. I spent quite a bit of time today on the phone apologizing to guests who apparently had made reservations but that I had no recollection of, or paper work on. I'm not used to making so many mistakes. I have often, in the past, held positions which required serious detail orientation, commitment and work ethic and are qualities I have always prided myself on. I guess those days are gone and hopefully only temporarily.

My marriage is seriously on the rocks and shows no sign of getting better. Now I'll be almost completely financially dependent on my husband and just the thought seems to choke off my air. My almost stubborn self-sufficiency is something I have also had pride in. There are some people I wouldn't mind having to depend on but my husband isn't one of them. I know he'll rub my face in it and it'll become a game of trade-offs. He pays for stuff so I'll have to do things for him in return. It's already that way to a large extent and will only get worse.

So, I'm not able to take care of my daughter, I'm not able to do my job and I'm not able to do things that need to be done to upkeep our home. What can I do? Not much.

I have yet to call the owners of the hotel to tell them I'll have to take a medical leave. That's going to be yet another humbling experience that I think I'll save for tomorrow.