November Rain

It's raining in Southern California and since it hasn't rained substantially in a long time, water is making its way into everything.  One leak made its way into the laundry room and shorted out an electrical outlet that almost started a fire at our small hotel.

Winter is here.  This does nothing positive for my state of mind which is true for many others as well.  Motivation for strategies I had formed (and posted endlessly about) in regards to my physical healing have all but gone.  I realize that this change in attitude is due mostly to the deep episode of depression I'm in.  I hope to address this problem as soon as I'm able to make an appointment with my doctor.  I'm realizing, reluctantly, that I won't be able to heal myself physically until I'm able to function mentally and the only way to do that I fear is by taking more medication.  I'm really discouraged by this realization though it's hardly the first time I've had it.  I told my therapist in a recent session that I had felt better physically while medicated.  I didn't feel well, but I did feel better than I do now.  I'm in almost constant pain now.  I had so wanted to be drug-free at least for a short time, to see what it was like, but it doesn't look like I'll be able to do it.  I'm so disappointed.

I've been in this cycle of meds/ no meds for so many years and I know it's something I'll struggle with for the rest of my life. I've managed to lower my Cymbalta dosage to 20mg every fourth day.   I'm feeling light-headed and experiencing a lot of "brain-zaps".  The symptoms may be diminishing but I'm not really sure.  I've been trying to titrate off this evil stuff for over a month and I'm still having withdrawal symptoms.