November Rain

It's raining in Southern California and since it hasn't rained substantially in a long time, water is making its way into everything.  One leak made its way into the laundry room and shorted out an electrical outlet that almost started a fire at our small hotel.

Winter is here.  This does nothing positive for my state of mind which is true for many others as well.  Motivation for strategies I had formed (and posted endlessly about) in regards to my physical healing have all but gone.  I realize that this change in attitude is due mostly to the deep episode of depression I'm in.  I hope to address this problem as soon as I'm able to make an appointment with my doctor.  I'm realizing, reluctantly, that I won't be able to heal myself physically until I'm able to function mentally and the only way to do that I fear is by taking more medication.  I'm really discouraged by this realization though it's hardly the first time I've had it.  I told my therapist in a recent session that I had felt better physically while medicated.  I didn't feel well, but I did feel better than I do now.  I'm in almost constant pain now.  I had so wanted to be drug-free at least for a short time, to see what it was like, but it doesn't look like I'll be able to do it.  I'm so disappointed.

I've been in this cycle of meds/ no meds for so many years and I know it's something I'll struggle with for the rest of my life. I've managed to lower my Cymbalta dosage to 20mg every fourth day.   I'm feeling light-headed and experiencing a lot of "brain-zaps".  The symptoms may be diminishing but I'm not really sure.  I've been trying to titrate off this evil stuff for over a month and I'm still having withdrawal symptoms.

Crashing Down Off the Alpha Nutrition Wagon

Okay so it's now day 7 on the Alpha nutrition diet. My mental state has made it very difficult to maintain any type of discipline. Yesterday I didn't write down anything I ate or any of my symptoms although the severity of my symptoms don’t seem to have changed much. Today I also did not write down anything I ate or any of my symptoms and I ate an entire small pepperoni pizza which made me feel like I was going to puke for about an hour.  The pizza was a bit too well done but it still tasted good!

Last night I intentionally skipped my 20 mg Cymbalta dose for the first time. I felt okay until the late afternoon today when I started feeling lightheaded and nauseated. These symptoms got worse as the evening progressed so I decided to take a pill to minimize my discomfort. It seems to have helped with the nausea but I'm still a bit lightheaded. My plan is to take the 20 mg dose as soon as I begin to feel lightheaded.  Hopefully the duration between doses will get longer and longer until I can stop taking it all together.

I wrote this in one of my previous posts and I’ll write it again.  Cymbalta is evil!  I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.  It’s a very harsh drug with very harsh and dangerous, even life threatening side effects. If I had gone through with some of the crazy, violent obsessions going through my mind the other night, my life would either be over or I would be in jail. I’m not exaggerating in the slightest.  Since the episode three nights ago, both my therapist and medical doctor have been calling regularly to check up on me and are very concerned about my mental state.   As I’ve mentioned several times before, I’ve taken many different drugs for depression and Fybromyalgia and this is one of the worst!  I can’t wait till I’m completely free of it.