Coming Down Off Cymbalta

I don't know if I'm feeling the way I am because I lowered my Cymbalta dosage or if it's just one of those "fibro-lows".  Last night I sat on the floor in my scalding hot shower and cried, my body hurt so much.  I'm really feeling terrible.  Everything is worse from joint pain and all-over body pain to headaches, fatigue and weird symptoms like eye pain.  In my misery last night, I decided that I would start the "Alpha Diet" today because I had to find some relief and I didn't have any time to loose. 

According to the Alpha Nutrition book by D. Gisalason (although it does encourage flexibility), those who are suffering with severe disease should follow the "slow track" and begin with ten days of fasting while only taking liquid nutrients.  I didn't want to begin fasting until I was completely off my medications, so I've started eating only "Phase One" foods and liquid nutrients and plan to start fasting when my body is drug-free.

The list of Phase One foods is VERY limited.  I think there are thirty-three items on the list and that includes olive oil and at least four derivatives of rice (rice, rice cakes, rice (only) cereal, rice crackers, etc.).  Basically the Phase One diet includes certain vegetables, peaches, pears and rice.  I'm doing ok with it today but can see this getting really old really fast.  So far I'm still feeling like shit symptom-wize but I realize it may take at least ten days to feel any relief.  I'll be keeping my food and symptom journal here on my blog.  The journal entries will be titled "Day One", Day Two", etc.

If this doesn't work I don't know what I'll do.

Reprieve of Sorts

My husband has moved back to our apartment.  We discussed our problems and made some compromises.  I won't regurgitate the tiresome details. 

It's been about nine days on the lowered doses.  Now I'm taking 40mg Cymbalta, 150mg Welbutrin and 2mg Lorazepam.  I've been feeling better than average the for last three days.  Tonight I'll take 20mg of Cymbalta rather than 40mg.  The thought gives me some definite anxiety since I do not want to repeat the experience I had ten days ago, but I'm so anxious to get  this crap out of my system and anxious to start the food allergy investigation.  I'm hopeful, but hesitant.  I'm so worried that it won't change anything and I'll become more desperate and hopeless than I am even now.  As each experiment fails, I think more and more that this disease will be my lifelong rival and I begin to plan my life as a disabled person. 

My daugher, who is now ninteen and a half months old, has learned that sleeping requires closed eyes.  When my husband or I tell her to go to sleep she lays her head back and with obvious force, squints her eyes closed. She reaches a tiny hand to her eye and so gently traces her closed eyelid over and over with a pointed index finger.  She cannot see but can only feel her closed eyes and imagine how she may appear as she sleeps. 

The Latest Research...

After becoming so frustrated and angry with my Rhumatologist, I've decided to dump her and do some serious research into this Fibromyalgia crap myself.  I created on-line accounts with a few medical journals and medical publications and have started reading what ever I can find on-line.  What ever did we all do before the Internet?  Since I don't have any medical training other than the few years I worked as an Administrative Assistant at the Visiting Nurses Association, I admit it's been very slow going.  I've had to stop reading to look up a few words, phrases and acronyms and some of the articles are almost completely incomprehensible to me.  

However, I have read some very  interesting studies that have been done with respect to Fibromyalgia.  The seeming absurdity of some of them only reinforces what I've inferred since day one...no one knows squat about this thing nor do they even know what studies to conduct.  Many of the studies are about different drug reactions or interactions and pertain to symptom treatment only and don't address causes or cures.  It is all very depressing which I know isn't news to anyone else suffering with this.  All I can do is keep reading and hope I find something helpful.  I'll be sure to share if I do.

Trying to Get Off Cymbalta?

The carb-free thing didn't work out but I'm not convinced that it isn't a diet issue that's causing my problems.  I've found some information on "delayed pattern food allergy" on the web and although I may be grasping at straws it sounds like an interesting theory to me.  I ordered a book by Dr. Gislason which explains the very involved process for discovering if you may in fact have a food allergy.  According to what I've read, it may take many months to come to any realization but if it works it's easily worth the time.

To prepare for fasting, which is the first step in the process, Dr. Gislason suggests that you rid your body of all prescription medications (as well as nicotine, caffeine & alcohol among other things).  I've been on SSRI's for about fifteen years to treat my Major Depression, so I'm a bit apprehensive about not taking them since I've experienced some severe depression in my life.  I've also had some experience with SSRI withdrawl so I know not to stop taking them abruptly.  I'm taking 60mg of Cymbalta once per day, so my plan was to take one dose every-other-day for a week or two then take one every third day, etc.  Since the medication comes in capsules, they can't be split in half.  I've used this method to wean myself off SSRIs before and have never had any problems.

Three days ago I intentionally skipped my Cymbalta dose before I went to bed, planning to take a dose the next night.  I woke up the next morning hardly able to move.  My muscles were so weak I could baredly lift my head from my pillow to drink some water.  As the day progressed I became more and more nauseated and I shivered with cold sweats.  It reminded me of my drinking days and the horrible hang-overs and alcohol poisoning I suffered all too frequently.  Unfortunately, my sickened state prevented me from realizing the source of my suffering until later in the evening.  I took a dose immediately but the damage was already done.  The next morning the withdrawl symptoms were gone.

I have NEVER experienced SSRI withdrawl symptoms that severe or sudden before.  In the past it's taken two or three days before I started to get "brain zaps" and feel dizzy or nauseated.  I admit that I was getting over a cold virus so that may have had some effect but I don't really think so.  My doctor prescribed 20mg tablets and I've been taking two of those once per day for the last two days and I haven't experienced any withdrawl as of yet.

If anyone out there is planning on quitting Cymbalta, be careful!  Also, don't let your prescription run out and think you'll just call your doctor tomorrow.  If you do, you may suffer severely for it and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Freida Kahlo

I just watched the film, Frieda, one of my favorites, yet again.  Firstly,  BRAVO Salma who's performance is amazing.

Freida Kahlo is one of my favorite artists.  I think what I love most is the candidness of her work.  Every time I view her art, I suddenly feel as though she were a childhood friend and I had lived her experiences with her.  Each of her paintings speaks to a very specific instance of suffering she endured.  Whether she painted about her relationship with Diego Rivera, the loss of her unborn child or most profoundly, her trolley accident and the years of pain caused by it, her emotions bleed through each canvas with disturbing familiarity.

At the end of the movie, a scene which portrays the last days of Freida's life and which I have viewed countless times, had an unforeseen effect on me this time.  Completely bed bound by that point in her life, the scene takes place in Freida's bedroom with Diego entering to visit at her bedside.  He says her name and she responds, "I don't think there's any Freida left in here".  I was watching the movie with my parents and husband and suddenly found myself choking back my emotions.  Tears flowed and I tried to hide them with my hand.  The scene had subconciously reminded me of a recent conversation with my therapist where I told her that I felt like a shell of who I once was.  I thought of all of the things I had done and places I had gone and it was as though I were recalling a character in a novel.  Sometimes I can't even remember what it felt like to hike to the top of a hill and it was only two and a half years ago.

I'm certainly not comparing my experiences to those of Freida Kahlo or implying that I can begin to imagine what she endured, but at that moment I really felt like I understood her statement in that scene more than I ever had.  I never really appreciated how much my physical body and it's strengths or limitations dictated who I was as a person.  It may sound naive but it's true.  I was hoping to learn this lesson in my seventies rather than my thirties but I suppose every lesson is a good one somehow...well it sounds good anyway.

Surprise Surprise

My parents left on Monday and what I feared but assumed would happened has happened.  My husband has not picked up at all from  where my mom left off - far from it.  He's behaving exactly the way he did before she came.  He's acting like a childish brat who rolls his eyes or comes up with lame adolescent excuses every time I ask him for his help with something.  I'm beginning to realize that this marriage will soon be over.  I cannot live with a man who treats me with such disrespect, especially being as sick as I am.

I just finished a carb-free "two week test" which may have indicated I f I had a carbohydrate intolerance since the symptoms are almost exactly the same as Fibromyalgia (strange how so many things are).  I didn't really see any change so I went on a monumental carb binge on the last day of the "test".  I pretty much feel the same as I did before I did the test.  I'm still intrigued though with the idea that I may have some type of food allergy or intolerance.  I've ordered a book which is a step-by-step program to test yourself for these situations.   I understand it can be a many months long process.  Maybe it's just a scam, but I'm willing to try anything at this point.  The $500 per month Cymbalta hasn't done a thing for me.  I've tried so many medications and the only one that helped was Prednisone which my doctor promptly took me off  saying that it wasn't safe to take long-term.  What a tease.  There's got to be something.  I'll let everyone know how the program is working after I start.  Wish me luck!

Care Giver, Care Taker

I was just reading some of my older posts and noticing how much the theme of this blog has changed from being a very clinical and somewhat emotional discovery of my new disease, to a mechanism for which I try (in vain) to explore my marriage problems.  Of course, my husband and I probably wouldn't have as many problems if it weren't for this damned illness but it really has brought out  his "true colors" (if you'll excuse the cliche).  I've already written in length about having a strong support system or at least a single person you can rely on to take over the physical duties you can no longer do.  This is of course a huge commitment and in most cases, a bit much to ask of a friend.   But a parent, sibling or child should be willing and able to help you out (unless of course you've spent your life being a jerk, in which case I say "good luck!").  The obvious fit for the job of caretaker is of course your spouse.  Considering you both actually took a witnessed vow in which you said you would love each other in sickness and in health, it seems almost a contractual obligation. 

As you're reading this I can hear you thinking "What the hell is all this talk of contractual obligations?  Of course the "task" of care giver falls to your spouse if there is one and they are physically able.  Your spouse should want to take care of you.  After all, he or she loves you and would do anything possible to ease your suffering.  Right?"

I'm not suggesting by any means that caring for a sick spouse is easy.  It's extremely difficult, heart-wrenching and exhausting. Even the most saintly among us can slip under the immense burden.  I've now had the experience of being a caregiver and now one in need of a care-giver.  I was the only one to care for my ex-fiance several years ago who suffered from mental illness (OCD) as well as a severe bout of Lyme disease which rendered him hospitalized and very sick for the better part of a year.  His mental illness was the element that broke our relationship (at least that's what I believe).  Reading my journals from that time, I can practically feel my desperation pouring from the pages.  I spoke to his doctor on his behalf because his illness was so acute at one point (and his doctor had a really crappy bedside manner) that they had a hard time communicating.  I counted the days till his therapy sessions and doctor appointments, hoping that from one of them he would come home "fixed".  I guess I cracked before he did and ran screaming into the night, away as fast as I could, from our otherwise loving eight year relationship.  After about four years after we amiably parted ways, he got married.  I hope his new wife is stronger than I was.