What NOT To Say To Someone With ME/CFS and/or Fibromyalgia

photo by  http://www.flickr.com/photos/allesok/

Recently, I was helping a friend explain the debilitating nature of Clinical Depression to her family.  She's been suffering severely for over a year and none of the medications or other therapies have helped her.  Since her family members had never experienced the profound effects of depression, they were unable or unwilling to put themselves in her shoes. It reminded me of how similar Depression, ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia are, in that, all three are virtually invisible both physically and physiologically.  Since there are no medical tests that can really validate their presence, or visible rashes, skin discoloration, etc, the existence of these illnesses are experienced only through the perspective of the sufferer.  If the individual doesn't have a compassionate, well-educated family, their experience can be ever so much worse.  A strong support system is vital to anyone with Depression, ME/CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), Fibromyalgia and many other maladies.

Following is a a short list (to be amended in the future) of seemingly harmless comments that should never be made to someone who is suffering from Depression, ME/CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) or Fibromyalgia (and probably many other diseases as well).

1) "Well, you look great" 

These can seem as though they would be words of encouragement to someone who is ill.  After all, who doesn't like being told they look good?  In this case, though, it's one of the most hurtful things that can be said as it seems to reinforce the feelings of loneliness and lack of empathy.  Looking great does NOT mean feeling great.  Saying that someone looks great is often interpreted as a brush-off and a conversation stopper.  I can't count the number of times I've heard this.

2) "It's probably just the change of seasons.  You'll feel better when Winter is over." 

Minimizing a person's pain implies that you are not taking their suffering seriously.  This comment is also a conversation stopper.  At this point, the sufferer, after attempting to reach out for help, feels frustrated and hurt.  They being wondering, "Did she even hear what I just said?".

3)  "You'll feel better once those baby hormones are out of your body." 

Of course, this is a comment only a specific subset of sufferers will hear.  In my case I heard it many times since I first became ill while I was pregnant.  Again, it implies that the sufferer is over-reacting to common ailments everyone experiences.

4)  "I know someone who had Fibromyalgia and they got better by pushing themselves to exercise". 

I heard this several times and it was among the most painful comments.  Since there is a very wide range of symptoms and severity of symptoms, one case of Fibromyalgia (or Depression, ME/CFS, etc) simply cannot be compared to another.  In my case, exercise would only hinder my recovery.  I tried to exercise on those rare "good days" and it always backfired on me in a BIG way.  See my post "Graded Exercise:  How NOT To Do It".  Saying something like this to someone implies that they are lazy or just not trying hard enough.  For a very self-motivated person like myself, this really hurts.

With all this being said, I realize that these comments are usually uttered with the best of intentions.  In fact, I may have been guilty in the past of making some of them myself.  However, after experiencing the full wrath of ME/CFS, Fibromyalgia and Depression, I will certainly never make that mistake again.

What comments have you heard that really hurt or upset you?  I know I've missed many.  Please comment below, I'd love to hear your opinions.  I'll certainly be amending my list.

Wishing health and peace to all, especially those who were effected by Hurricane Sandy.  New Jersey is where I was born and was my home state for many years.  My heart is right there with you all.

Eating In Your Sleep?!

It's embarrassing to admit but I can only explain this bizarre behavior as a side-effect of my newest medication.  As I've reported, now many times, I seem to have found a medication combination that finally has freed me, if only temporarily, from the grasp of this unknown illness.  I'm still feeling better, three and a half months after starting amitriptyline.  I'm also taking lorazepam for sleep because, while the amitriptyline takes away many of my symptoms including fatigue and pain, it doesn't seem to help my sleep problems much.

I've had some very unusual side effects from this medication, the strangest of which involves an insatiable urge to eat in the middle of the night.  It seems to have gotten a little better as my body adapts but at first I didn't know what was going on.  I'd wake up in the morning with a half a peanut butter sandwich stuck to my arm, tortilla chips or Goldfish cracker crumbs everywhere in my bed and only a very vague recollection of having gotten up in the middle of the night and it was happening every single night.  I finally got smart and started leaving myself something simple and healthy to eat, like a banana, where I could easily grab it.  Then I'd wake up and find the banana on my night stand or IN my bed with only one bite taken from it. 

I could go on and on relating entertaining anecdotes of my "sleep eating" but the fact is, this reaction is rather disturbing.  As a child and young adult I talked and walked in my sleep from time to time but eating in my sleep?  No way!  I only have a very vague memory of these actions and sometimes, none at all.  I also fear the very real possibility that I'll choke on something I'm eating if I lay down with the food still in my mouth.

I've known people personally who took prescription sleep medications and did all sorts of crazy things in their sleep but I'm curious to know whether anyone else has had this happen while taking amitriptyline.  Although this baffling behavior is disturbing, I'd gladly endure it every night rather than be as sick as I was such a short time ago.

Fibro Brain Fog, Thick as Ever

I've been on a strictly vegan diet since March 1st, almost three months.  I've also been taking 150mg, now 125mg of amitriptyline each day.  As I've written before, I'm been feeling better than I have in two years.  I'm able to exercise and do things that I couldn't even think about doing before. 

Yesterday I painted the wooden table out on the patio of the hotel I manage.  I was able to go down the stairs to our maintenance closet, walk back up the stairs holding a quart of paint and paintbrush and still have enough energy to paint the table.  After that was completed, I was even able to water the plants and do some pruning.  A few months ago, I wouldn't have been able to descend the stairs and climb back up without experiencing a lot of pain and shortness of breath.

I'm not sure what's responsible for this huge change in my condition and I sometimes fear it's simply a remission that will run it's course and eventually end.  After all, my diagnoses of Fibromyalgia and ME/CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) were never proven.  I always wondered if it were something else I was afflicted with but I could never afford the blood work to check for NK cell function, viral titers, VO2, RNase L and cytokines count.  I've recently read that these bio markers go along way towards scientifically "proving" these diseases.

My physical condition has improved tremendously but my cognitive impairment stubbornly continues to fog my brain.  I'm able to do so much more, but my memory and recall are horrible.  Unlike most people, I was always good at remembering names and faces.  In fact, I've embarrassed myself on several occasions by walking up to greet someone by name, who had no idea who I was.  At least that won't be happening any time in the near future. 

Now when I'm having a conversation with someone, I find myself not having the words to convey my thoughts.  It's almost as though I have a stutter.  I'll get stuck on a word like a broken record and have to stop speaking completely to "re-boot" my brain, then start the sentence again.  I'm sure people don't notice it as much as I do, but I feel really self conscious when it's happening.  I also find myself not being able to remember simple words.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining!  I feel so lucky that I have this time to do some of the things I haven't been able to do in the last two years, especially spending quality time with my two year-old daughter.  I'll never again take my good health for granted, knowing that I could loose it at any time.

What to Do When You're Diagnosed With ME/CFS and/or FMS and Don't Have Health Insurance

This post is the first in a series concerning financial strategies for those who've been diagnosed with a chronic illness, are uninsured and living on a low income.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about the hardships of being chronically ill, uninsured and living on a very low income.  I was giving her some advice about getting her medications at a reduced rate and thought it would make a great subject for a blog series.  I've learned so much in the last two years, being uninsured, suffering with ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia and having to take a long, unpaid leave from my job. 

I haven't had health insurance for a long time - about ten years I think, which was the last time I had an employer who offered it.  When I was laid-off from my job, doing books for a software development company in NYC, I wasn't able to afford Cobra since I only received one month of severance pay and health insurance.  After that that I had lower paying temp jobs that didn't offer health insurance at all.  I didn't earn enough to pay $200 per month for insurance and believe me, I looked everywhere for something I could afford.  I simply didn't make enough to pay rent ($900), utilities ($100), car payment ($300), food, gas, etc and health insurance on top of all that.  You may be wondering why I'm going into all this personal detail about my finances.  I know there are many people out there under the delusion that health insurance is available to anyone who works.  I hope my story will open some eyes to the hardships many US citizens endure simply because they become ill.

When I lost my job in NYC, I was twenty-five years old and healthy.  The occasional visit to the doctor and some anti-biotics to treat a sinus infection, for example, was expensive but doable.  I recently turned thirty-nine and I spent about six thousand dollars in 2011 on Dr. visits, blood work and prescription medications and a large sum the year before as well.  This is far from doable for me. 

There are exactly four people (including myself) who work at the very small hotel I manage.  The owners do not offer health insurance because it would take a huge bite out of their profits, making the business not worth having.  Large companies can get group discounts on health insurance for their employees, but this is simply not realistic for small businesses.  Two other small business owners I've worked for apologetically reported the same findings.

As my mysterious illness progressed during the last two years, I was forced to take a medical leave from my job which made paying for my mounting medical expenses increasingly difficult.  I'd set up payment plans for most of my bills, but it was becoming difficult to even pay those amounts each month.  I did learn some really valuable lessons along the way though, about reducing many of my medical expenses.

If your income is low enough, you can usually qualify for many different programs.  Unfortunately, if you're a person who has a mid-to-low-range income (a single person who makes less than around $25,000 per year, more if your married and have children), you can get caught in "no man's land" where you don't qualify for assistance but your income isn't high enough to pay cash for your medical expenses or for private health insurance each month.  I would guess that a very large percentage of people in the USA fall into this category.  But I won't get on my political soap box because that isn't what this post is all about.

Your battle plan should start even before you walk through the door of your doctor's office.  When you make an appointment, ask the person on the phone if their practice offers a sliding scale or other financial aid for uninsured, low income patients.  Even if you're not sure whether or not you fall into the "low-income" category, fill out the forms anyway.  You may qualify for something.  I've found that doctor's office staff seldom offer this information so you have to ask!  My doctor, for example, offers a twenty-percent discount if you pay your bill on the day of your visit.  This brings the total, for me, to less than $100 per visit.  Even if I don't have the full amount that day, I put it on a credit card and pay when my bill is due.  Try to avoid paying in cash as it's harder to prove how much you've paid towards medical bills.  You may need hard proof of these expenses in the form of bank or credit card statements in the future.

I should warn that some practices do not treat people without health insurance.  This came as a huge shock to me the first time I encountered it.  I was desperate to see a doctor I'd read really good things about and offered to pay the full amount in cash before even seeing the doctor, but I was turned down.  I'm still a bit confused as to the motivation for this policy. 

My doctors office also offers "Charity Care", a program based on income level that provides discounted or free services.  I'll emphasise that you have to talk to an administrative person about this, not the doctor.  Doctors, I've found, are frequently unaware that these programs even exist.

In my next post, I'll write about how to get discounted or free prescription medications and more.

Also - This is my 93rd post - 7 more till my 100th, where I'll post the coupon code for 20% off your entire order at Catalina Inspired on Etsy.       

Someone Pinch Me!

Lover's Cove on Catalina Island

I took this picture on one of my recent walks along Lover's Cove.  There was a westerly swell rolling in so I got some great shots of the spray at dusk.  The iPhone 4S camera is amazing!

My fingers are still tightly crossed as I amazingly continue feeling pretty darned well, two months after having started amitriptyline.  I've even taken up my old routine, walking every morning for a mile or two after I wake up.  I'm not able to do the steep hills I used to but hopefully I will soon. Today I started up one of the hills I used to hike up almost every day but didn't make it very far before I was huffing and puffing and my leg muscles felt like they were on fire.  I'm guessing my muscles are pretty atrophied after going two years without any real exercise.  I'm trying to take it slow but I'm so anxious to be back where I was.  The mere thought that I may be getting my life back is too much to hope for now.  I'm also hoping my renewed routine will help reverse the Osteopenia I was recently diagnosed with.  While I walk, I can also soak up plenty of vitamin D from the Southern California sun.

So, I may have found my cure.  Amitriptyline seems to have taken my pain and fatigue away for the most part.  Zoloft was working fairly well at controlling my pain but nothing, it seemed, could take away the fatigue, weakness and exhaustion.  I'm also still taking 2mg of Lorazepam to help me sleep and I'm not ready to give that up yet.  The thought of the disturbing dreams and nightmares I was plagued with when I first became ill is too terrifying to confront just yet.

I enthusiastically encourage anyone with ME/CFS to give it a try if you haven't already.  I realize that every one's disease is very different but it's always worth a try.  If you're like me, you'll try almost anything. 

 

Feeling Better and Better

Three Generations (that's me in the middle, feeling not-so-bad!)

Today I actually vacuumed my entire apartment (which is pretty tiny) and did some dusting!  When I finished, I was tired but not abnormally so.  I can't remember the last time I was able to do this.  

I had planned to begin taking Savella last week but I've put it off since I'm feeling so much better on just the Amitriptyline.  I wish I'd tried this a long time ago.  To anyone out there suffering with ME/CFS and/ or Fibromyalgia, give Amitriptyline a try!  It's one of the older tricyclic antidepressants (pre-Prozac) but I've read elsewhere that it was effective, so I guess I'm not the only one.

My parents have been visiting from NJ for the last month.  My mom kept happily commenting on how much better I seemed from when they first arrived (they flew back yesterday).  "You could hardly keep your eyes open" she commented on the phone today regarding the horrible state I was in. 

Could this really be it?  Have I found my holy grail?  I'm still very cautiously optimistic.  After all, I know it could be just a phase.  But in the meantime, I've been very slowly beginning to exercise again which is something I have missed greatly.  Before Fibromyalgia and ME/CFS took most of my life away, I exercised daily and was in pretty good physical condition.  I cannot say the same now I'm afraid.

On a less positive and completely different note, today I attended our small town's annual "Health Fair".  I don't have health insurance and they offer a wide variety of medical tests for very low rates.  For example, I had a bone density test, echo cardiogram and a thyroid/ kidney ultrasound for a grand total of $110!  Those tests would have cost way over a thousand at my doctor's office.  Everything came back within normal ranges except the bone density test.  The result was -2 which I discovered today is indicative of osteopenia.  Being that I just turned 39, this was a bit alarming, although it does run in my family.  My mother (who is 69 - sorry mom) has normal bone density but I once overheard a doctor describe my grandmother's bones as "chalk-like".  From what the technician told me today, bone density can be repaired by consuming more calcium but of course I'll be heading to the world wide web to check it out thoroughly.  I am so thankful though that my heart is in good condition!  I sometimes worry because when I'm not feeling well, one of the symptoms I experience is shortness of breath and the feeling that my heart has "skipped a beat" and it can be scary.

Amitriptylene is Rocking My World!

OK, I know I didn't have much positive to say about Amitriptyline in my last couple posts but I've changed my tune completely.  Between the vegan diet and Amitriptylene, I'm feeling better than I have in a long time.  Although, I'm not sure which is actually responsible for this change, if it's a combination of the two or something else entirely. 

I took this picture on my walk to Lover's Cove today, the first time I've taken a walk purely for exercise in weeks.  I put my earphones on and just WALKED!  It felt great!  I've also been taking fewer and shorter naps.  My muscles and joints feel stronger and are in less pain.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up and set myself up for disappointment later but I can't help it.  If it just ends up being a "good week" I'll deal with the disappointment later. 

My original plan was to taper off Zoloft, start Amitriptylene then, when the Zoloft was completely out of my system, start Savella.  I'm completely off Zoloft and up to a therapeutic dose of Amatriptylene but I'm holding off on the Savella since I seem to be feeling pretty well.  After all, I don't want to take anymore drugs than I have to. 

I'm feeling really well about the vegan diet too.  The stomach discomfort I had at the beginning is completely gone.  Oh how I pray this lasts!

Life as a Paper Doll

Two days ago, I spent the early afternoon with my mom and two year old daughter.  It was a beautiful, warm, sunny day for  Avalon's annual Spring Festival.  Being the quintessential small town street fair, it was complete with food and craft vendors and a tiny petting zoo. 

I wasn't surprised to see quite a few people I knew there, people who could have been friends if things were different, but today I avoided their glances and maneuvered throughout the crowd so as not to be noticed.  During my drinking days I had became an expert at avoiding people by cutting through alleys and hotel lobbies rather than to walk down main streets.  This time though, the motivation was very different.  Rather than hiding from those who may have seen my drunken antics the night before at the local bar, I simply didn't have the energy to smile or speak and didn't want anyone to misconstrue my attitude as personal indifference.

My heart felt heavy as I watched parents of other children in my daughter's toddler pre-school standing together chatting and laughing as their children played with one another.  I would loved to have been part of the group, but laughing expends too much of the very limited energy I have.  My daughter held my hand as we  slipped past the group and her little head craned to see her classmates.  After we passed them, my daughter waved her hand and quietly said "bye bye".  My heart sunk and I felt like the worst mother on the planet. 

When I thought I couldn't possibly get any more depressed, I looked out into the harbor and saw Perdida, in my mind, her two, tall masts, her teak trimmed cockpit combings all upon her beautiful turquoise hull, floating so gracefully in the harbor as I had seen her so many times before.  Now the tears began to well.  Images of my life while living aboard her scrolled through my mind.  I tried to stop them but the images kept coming.  It felt as though I were remembering a movie I'd seen.  The person in that movie looked a lot like me but - it wasn't.  It couldn't be.  That person was strong and healthy.  That person was able to pull herself up from our small boat up onto the deck of Perdida.  She was able to crawl around the engine room and reach through the bilges to make repairs.  That woman could grind a winch handle to raise the sails all the way to the top of the mast and even cook a meal while winds howled and the hull pitched.  I couldn't do any of those things.  I suddenly realized that I wasn't a complete person anymore.  I was like a paper doll with only two simple dimensions trapped in a two dimensional world but with a view upon the full world led by so many lucky people. 

My mother had gone to pick up fish tacos at one of the stands and my daughter and I sat near the very small petting zoo (which included two chickens, one rabbit, one tortoise and a couple of lizards) while my daughter reached her little hand through the fence, trying to pet the bunny who never did come close enough.

We finally made it home and my entire body was throbbing with pain.  I snapped a few short words at my mother and lay down on my very familiar couch, which, within the last two years has become a virtual appendage and turned my heating pad on high.  Tears were streaming down my face and self-pity set in for the rest of the night.  I so desperately hope this new medications takes some of this pain away.

Vegan Diet for ME/CFS & Fibromyalgia - UPDATE

So, I've been on a strictly vegan diet for a couple weeks now.  I still don't have any definitive answers regarding the effectiveness of this diet on my condition but I do think I generally have more energy, as I wrote in my last post.

The only negative thing about this diet I have discovered so far, are the...well...digestive issues.  Without going into much disgusting detail, I'll just say that the dramatic increase of fiber in my diet had some pretty gross side effects.  I went online to see if others were having the same problem and they most certainly were.  Apparently this is a common issue for many people during the first couple weeks on an exclusively plant based diet.  I made a few adjustments, such as, reducing my daily intake of legumes and fruit and it seemed to eliminate the "problems" almost immediately.  In fact, the very first day I adjusted my diet, I experienced almost no stomach discomfort.

So, if you're struggling with some of the same issues, hang in there.  Just try adjusting things a little at a time and I'm sure you too will find a balance that makes your digestive system happy.

To follow up on an earlier post (Being a Mom With ME/CFS & Fibromyalgia), my time has officially run out with regards to the St. Patrick's Day fundraiser at my daughter's pre-school.  In last months newsletter, the teachers had asked if parents would plan to help with the corn-beef and cabbage dinner (talk about digestive issues) they were having to raise money for the school.  When I attended a parents meeting, the director brought this subject up and I sunk down in my chair, hoping no one would notice that I hadn't volunteered for anything.  Since then, I've been wondering what I would say when someone finally asked me point-blank if they could count on me.  Fortunately, the request came in the form of an email which didn't put me on the spot as much as I had imagined.  I explained that while I would be happy to bake cookies or cupcakes for the event, I wouldn't be able to work at the dinner due to my "Fibromyalgia (among other things)".  I continued by writing that I had many physical limitations and that I had been forced to quit my job as a result.

I don't know what the director's reaction will be when she reads the email tomorrow morning, but I'll find out when I drop my daughter off.  I will also have to admit that neither my husband or I were able to sell even one of the eight tickets to the event each parent had been given.

I know, intellectually, it's not my fault that I won't be participating in the St. Patrick's Day dinner, but emotionally, the whole situation just makes me feel like a terrible mother and I fear that's how others will view me.

Plant Based Diet for ME/CFS & Fibromyalgia?

I recently viewed the documentary film Forks Over Knives.  I'd been seriously considering a vegan diet for some time but hadn't been motivated enough to actually start.  I haven't eaten meat for many years but I always ate fish and dairy products.  This film was so inspiring that I haven't eaten a morsel of animal based food since watching it.  I'm already on day three of a completely vegan diet.

Anyone who's read previous posts in this blog knows that I've tried at least three different diets as well as countless medications, supplements, etc, in an attempt to get some relief from, or even a cure for my debilitating ME/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia.  So far I've had little to no results in the more than two years I've been suffering with these diseases.  So now, I'm hoping, once again, that this will be my "holy grail".

Forks Over Knives is an excellent film that I think could really change your life.  It's amazing how profoundly healing a plant based diet was for some of the subjects in the film.  Drs. Campbell and Esselstyn go into scientific detail on why animal based foods are detrimental to your body and how plant based foods can actually stop and even reverse damage to your heart and other organs.  In my opinion, they prove that eating animals is not good for you as well as being (unknowingly) unethical and inhumane.  I loved the film and recommend everyone watch it.

Yesterday, while walking home from the market, I met a friend who knows I haven't been well and she asked how I was feeling.  I told her that I was hanging in there but was still feeling pretty bad.  I then briefly summarised my experiences since I had last seen her.  She said she could completely identify with not feeling well, then went on to tell me how she'd been having bad headaches and that she and her husband had finally decided to start a vegan diet, hoping to feel better.  I couldn't believe the irony of meeting her and having this discussion only two days after my having seen the film.  She went on to say that she and her husband had never felt better, that her headaches had gone away and that both of them had lost weight.  It must be a sign...maybe I'm actually on the right track this time. 

I'll continue updating as my latest battle with ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia continues.

Graded Exercise - How NOT to Do It

I try to get out and walk every day, even if it's not very far.  I had just started trying "graded exercise" which I've read is recommend for Fibromyalgia sufferers.  Basically, the concept is, to increase your exertion levels in very small increments over a long period of time.  The theory is, that this type of slowly increased, low-impact exercise, will not cause ME/CFS & Fibromyalgia symptoms to intensify as regular exercise usually does.

I bought an app for my iPhone that measures distances walked, average pace, altitude, where you walked and more, using GPS.  Just as a side note, I really like the app and recommend it highly.  It's called MotionX-GPS.

Anyway, the app can be set to give an auditory update every five minutes with average speed, distance traveled and time passed.  I wanted to keep track of how fast I was walking, since it's often hard for me to judge, and increase my speed slowly over time. 

I began walking, with the new app on my iPhone last week.  I was having a pretty good day, so I decided to do a 1.5 mile walk.  My average speed was 2.4 mph.  The next day I walked the same route and had a similar average speed.  The day after that I decided to try to kick my speed up a bit.  It seems I got a bit over-confident.  I pushed myself and tried to maintain 2.7 mph.  Of course, people as old as my parents were flying by me like I was standing still, but I had to really push my leg muscles to keep up that pace.  I was really proud of myself and managed to repeat my performance the next day but that was the end of that. 

I guess the two 2.7 mph days, pathetically, knocked me out.  I was extremely fatigued and weak for days after.  That was six days ago and finally, just today, I was able to go for a walk.  It was a little under a mile and my speed was more like 2.0 mph and that was as fast as I possibly could have walked.  My muscles felt weak and shaky and I kept loosing my balance.  If I'd tried to walk any faster I probably would have fallen down.  I wonder how long it'll take before I'm able to walk normally again.

The lesson here is, in graded exercise, when they say very small increments, they mean VERY small.

Oh....My Beautiful Garden

When I returned to Catalina after being gone for so long, I knew one of the things I would have to confront was the state of my beloved gardens.  The only people here while I was gone would never have  noticed (or cared) that a plant was withering away and dying from lack of water.  Actually, it wasn't as bad as I had envisioned.  It had rained several times while I was gone, so it was more a matter of overgrowth than anything else.  I did loose one Thyme plant that I'd grown from seeds because it just wasn't mature enough to handle the long dry periods, but I couldn't really complain.

Every time I walk out my door I am reminded that I am unable to kneel down or bend over my beautiful plants to care for them.  The weeds have grown in all the spaces between the bricks.  Only I haven't forgotten that the bricks are there I think.  One plant has grown across more than half of the walkway I use to get to my washer and dryer.  Every time I step around it I cringe and think "one day I'll feel well enough to get my shears out and cut it back".  I've been home for fourteen days and it hasn't happened yet.

Before I got sick, the garden was one of my favorite, most peaceful places to be.  When I went through a very difficult time, at the end of an eight year relationship, the garden saved me.  I spent so much time there and felt so at peace touching the plants and dirt.  The two cats that have lived in the garden for the last three or four years sat near me while I pulled weeds and trimmed plants. 

I so miss being with the plants and the dirt.  I hardly see the cats anymore and the garden is overgrown and messy looking.  It feels like a symbol for all the dimensions of my life that have withered away or have been overgrown like the bricks in the garden.  Meanwhile, I watch helplessly, as it becomes wilder and wilder, returning much to the state it was in when I first moved here five years ago.