I Can Walk Three Miles Per Hour!

The Top of Hermit Gulch Trail on Catalina Island

For the last two nights I've been sure to ingest my pills, not just remove them from the bottles and leave them on the counter.  I still had some anxiety yesterday but today I'm back to feeling pretty good - which is great!

I went for a walk today that included a short incline which I haven't been able to climb for most of the last two years.  It felt amazing!  I was so encouraged that I almost started walking up one of the hills I used to walk every day.  Fortunately I stopped myself, knowing that overdoing it could set me way back.  I kept to the flat surfaces for the rest of the mile and came back feeling tired, but not exhausted, fatigued, short of breath or in pain.  In the picture above, the highlighted area is the end of a trail I used to climb on a regular basis before I became ill.  I've missed the beautiful view from the top that includes seeing the Pacific Ocean from both the windward and leewards sides of the island.  The picture below was taken on the trail near the top.  On the day this photo was taken, clouds overflowed from the windward side. 

Almost to the Top of Hermit Gulch Trail

I have an app on my iPhone, Motion-X GPS, that records my average speed (among other things) which today was 3.0mph!  I can look back at other walks I've taken in the past and the average speeds were more like 2.5 or even 2.1.  A few months ago, not long after I got the app, I tried to up my walking speed and ended up in bed for about two days afterwards, feeling horrible.

I so hope this lasts.  I'm so afraid it won't.

Life as a Paper Doll

Two days ago, I spent the early afternoon with my mom and two year old daughter.  It was a beautiful, warm, sunny day for  Avalon's annual Spring Festival.  Being the quintessential small town street fair, it was complete with food and craft vendors and a tiny petting zoo. 

I wasn't surprised to see quite a few people I knew there, people who could have been friends if things were different, but today I avoided their glances and maneuvered throughout the crowd so as not to be noticed.  During my drinking days I had became an expert at avoiding people by cutting through alleys and hotel lobbies rather than to walk down main streets.  This time though, the motivation was very different.  Rather than hiding from those who may have seen my drunken antics the night before at the local bar, I simply didn't have the energy to smile or speak and didn't want anyone to misconstrue my attitude as personal indifference.

My heart felt heavy as I watched parents of other children in my daughter's toddler pre-school standing together chatting and laughing as their children played with one another.  I would loved to have been part of the group, but laughing expends too much of the very limited energy I have.  My daughter held my hand as we  slipped past the group and her little head craned to see her classmates.  After we passed them, my daughter waved her hand and quietly said "bye bye".  My heart sunk and I felt like the worst mother on the planet. 

When I thought I couldn't possibly get any more depressed, I looked out into the harbor and saw Perdida, in my mind, her two, tall masts, her teak trimmed cockpit combings all upon her beautiful turquoise hull, floating so gracefully in the harbor as I had seen her so many times before.  Now the tears began to well.  Images of my life while living aboard her scrolled through my mind.  I tried to stop them but the images kept coming.  It felt as though I were remembering a movie I'd seen.  The person in that movie looked a lot like me but - it wasn't.  It couldn't be.  That person was strong and healthy.  That person was able to pull herself up from our small boat up onto the deck of Perdida.  She was able to crawl around the engine room and reach through the bilges to make repairs.  That woman could grind a winch handle to raise the sails all the way to the top of the mast and even cook a meal while winds howled and the hull pitched.  I couldn't do any of those things.  I suddenly realized that I wasn't a complete person anymore.  I was like a paper doll with only two simple dimensions trapped in a two dimensional world but with a view upon the full world led by so many lucky people. 

My mother had gone to pick up fish tacos at one of the stands and my daughter and I sat near the very small petting zoo (which included two chickens, one rabbit, one tortoise and a couple of lizards) while my daughter reached her little hand through the fence, trying to pet the bunny who never did come close enough.

We finally made it home and my entire body was throbbing with pain.  I snapped a few short words at my mother and lay down on my very familiar couch, which, within the last two years has become a virtual appendage and turned my heating pad on high.  Tears were streaming down my face and self-pity set in for the rest of the night.  I so desperately hope this new medications takes some of this pain away.

Another Horrible Week

My next post was supposed to be a continuation of the long list of drugs and experiences I'd had with those drugs during this ordeal.  I must, however, take a short detour with this post as it may have some relevant information to add.

My week started out this past Wednesday.  My doctor had prescribed Welbutrin, 150mg per day to address my severely, worsening depression and Prednisone as a third experimental trial to see if the previous results I'd had (see last post) would repeat themselves  The Prednisone dosage was to be as follows:  Day 1 - 60mg, Day 2 - 50mg, Day 3 - 40mg, Day 4 - 30mg, Day 5 - 40mg - Day 6 - 0mg, Day 7 - 40mg, Day 8 - 0mg, Day 9 - 40mg, etc.and to follow that dosing till I spoke to him.

The next afternoon, after having taken both medications my symptoms began to worsen.  Many of my old ME/CFS/Fibromyalgia symptoms that had been under control for about the last two months, came back with a vengeance.  I felt the all-over body pain creeping in and as the hours ticked by, they got worse.  I started to feel as though I had a fever (but of course I didn't actually) and coordination and energy dropped.  I was so depressed.

At first I thought that it may have been that I had missed a dose of Zoloft the night before.  When I had started taking the Zoloft (again) two months ago, my pain had mysteriously gotten much better.  My condition in general was better and all from a low 100mg dose of Zoloft it seemed.

I got back on track with the Zoloft and hoped to see a change after a couple days, but none came.  The pain and feverish feeling (on top of the already present weakness & fatigue) were getting worse if anything.

Then yesterday, I don't know what the hell happened.  I wondered if I had mistakenly gotten caffeinated coffee (a big no-no for me) that morning during my daily .5 mile walk to Dunkin Donuts because about an hour after I got home, the you-know-what hit the fan.  My mental state degraded, gradually escalated into a full-blown anxiety attack, complete with shaking limbs, heart practically beating out of my chest, that feeling that I was completely out of control and may just die any moment.  I couldn't talk to anyone or keep my mind on a single thought.  This lasted for hours (the severity waxing and waning) until I excused myself with an Ipod & headphones and locked myself into a room, lyed down on the bed, listened to Brahms and tried breathing exercises.  Oh yeah, I also took .5 mg of Ativan which is what I think finally brought me out of it for the most part.  As a result of my anxiety and just plain being out of my mind, I had missed a Prednisone dose (30mg).

The day wasn't over though.  My husband had flown in from LA that day after not having seeing me and our daughter for about six weeks.  We ordered pizza and sat down to eat.  I still wasn't feeling well and was not (to put it mildly) the life of the party but it seemed that the worst of my anxiety was over.  At one point I leaned my head over toward my husband's shoulder for some comfort.  The moment my head was down, my world began to spin out of control.  I'm talking full vertigo here - didn't know which way was up.  I also felt as though I would get sick at any moment.  I told everyone I needed to lay down and somehow stumbled to the couch as the worst of it was subsiding.  As I layed down, I still felt really dizzy and nauseated, but the spinning had stopped.  I remembered the missed dose of Prednisone and asked my mom to get it for me thinking I may be having withdrawal.  My dad took my blood pressure and it was 113/72 which is on the low side, but my pressure tends to be lower.  In about thirty minutes the dizziness got a little better and I was able to get up (with assistance) and be led slowly up the stairs to bed. 

The dizziness and subsequent nausea plagued me all night long.  When I got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night I lost my balance and almost fell twice.  This morning, I don't feel too dizzy but weak and unsteady on my feet. 

I'll be calling my doctor as soon as his office opens.