Invisible Disease, Invisible Support System

I'm sure when my husband married me he had no idea what he was getting himself into.  To be fair I didn't either.  After the break-up of a long and loving relationship (which I've started to admit may have been a mistake) and numerous failures in the area of thirty-something dating, I met my husband.  I was newly sober after years of abusive drinking and he was living on a fishing boat.  I loved his carefree, boyish nature (red flag - I know, I know) and knowledge of boats and the sea of which I had something in common.  After a short but very passionate period of time we got married in Las Vegas.  After reaching the age of thirty-five, my life-long disinterest in having a child had started to waver.  What I was thinking when I decided to have a child with this man is any one's guess.  Neither of us had children from previous relationships so this would be a first for him also at the age of 41.  Somehow his passion and very persuasive nature got to me.  The first time I missed a birth control pill I became pregnant.  We were so excited that it had happened so fast since our ages were becoming a definite factor in our decision to become parents. 

The first indication of my husbands lack of nurturing ability started to show throughout my pregnancy.  I had looked forward to being pampered, spoiled and fussed over like I'd heard my friends husbands had.  The pampering never happened.  He was excited about the baby, but didn't seem to empathise at all with my discomfort or wish to diminish it at all.

A couple of months into my pregnancy I started to not feel right.  I wasn't throwing up or even nauseated most of the time, I just felt wrong.  As things progressed, I became weaker and weaker to the point that I couldn't stand long enough to take a shower.  I was short of breath and my muscles just didn't seem to work anymore.  I went to the doctor and she did some blood tests.  It turned out that I was slightly anemic but just fine besides.  It was just "a pregnancy thing" she said and explained that my body was undergoing severe changes.  This was hardly news to me.

After my daughter was born the weakness subsided slightly for a couple of months but then it came back to stay.  I felt like I had the flu.  My body ached and I was so tired and weak that it became very hard for me to even lift my new baby.  I won't re-hash all of the details about the ongoing discovery of my Fibromyalgia and all it's seeming unrelated symptoms since I've already done that in previous posts. 

My daughter is now seventeen months old.  I've had two brief remissions but have basically been sick since I became pregnant with her more than two years ago.  The lack of compassion my husband showed during my pregnancy has continued and become more pronounced throughout this entire ordeal.  I really have no idea what's going through his head but somehow I think he resents my becoming sick (although he would never consciously admit it) and feels like he got a bum deal in marrying me.  I've asked him so many times to help out more with things and take on more of the house hold responsibilities, but he reacts with a roll of the eyes, as though I'm nagging him.  Nagging.  That word is the biggest cop-out ever invented.  Somehow (usually) the women become the over-reacting slave drivers and men become helpless victims with the uttering of this word.  But that's a topic for another post.

If I had had any idea that I would become the victim of this terrible disease I may have thought twice before agreeing to marry my husband.  I may also have strongly considered and probably decided not to bring a child into my sickly world.  I love my daughter more than life itself and thoughts like these leave me with heavy feelings of guilt.  What the hell was I thinking?

I told my husband yesterday that it was over between us.  Our continuous fighting wears my already weak body and soul to nothing but a thread.  My husband has many issues of his own such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from Desert Storm and some cognitive problems of which I could never guess the source.  I've tried to be understanding to his struggles but his refusal to apologize for his actions (without being prompted)  and his defensive and often hostile reactions erase much of my empathy.  I keep thinking that I have to figure things out for our daughter's sake but at how high a cost?  My husband has already severely impeded my healing process and I have no reason to believe that anything will change.  What kind of a mother will I be if I'm unable to participate in much of my daughter's life?

I should have known better than to marry this "carefree, boyish" "man".  What the hell was I thinking??  I just hope anyone else who is afflicted with Fibromyalgia will really think about marrying anyone who may not be able to deal with the intensity of their illness.  Having a strong support system is SOOOO important.